Tag Archives: soul searching

I want to do a solo-trip abroad

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I want to do a solo-trip abroad

Last August, I went on my first semi solo trip abroad.  My trip consisted of two parts: Part 1, I went to Cancun, partied on my own and did touristy stuffs, Part 2, my boyfriend joined me in Mexico and together we took the bus to Tulum.  It was a great trip; I had a mix of both.  On the first part, I was able to make my own schedule and do activities that I enjoyed.  On the second part, I had company and it was fun creating memories with someone else.  I enjoyed myself a lot. I made new friends.  I went to few parties with my hosts at Airbnb and danced to new songs.  I saw Chichen Itza and visited a few cenotes.  I biked Tulum with my boyfriend, and we visited historical sites.  We discovered new drinks and dishes and realized how much Mexican food in our area is toned down.

This time I want to go to a new place but alone.  I want to use this trip to learn about myself and also allow myself to loosen up a bit.  I am a very self-conscious person.  I always worry about what friends (and strangers) will think of my behavior.  This has always prevented me from being spontaneous and act a little wild.  I want to be able to enjoy activities without caring about what my people think of me.  In my culture, you need to be constantly surrounded by friends and family.  It is almost like a confirmation that you are a good person; if you were not such a good person, they would not want to spend time with you… I want to face my fear of being alone.  I have lived most of my life in two places.  I want to prove to myself that I can get around in other places, even if it is just to find food.   Although, I was always attracted to different things (whether be visual arts, music or fashion), I always denied myself the pleasure of pursuing such activities because I was raised to conform to national culture.  Everybody likes Adidas therefore, I should also buy and wear Adidas shoes, for example.   Additionally, in my home country everybody thinks similarly.  Whether your name is Stephanie or Carolyn, we all share the same worldview.  In this time of my life, I want to be confronted with different logic and different perspectives, I want to grow from that challenge.  I want to experience new things and hear new music.  I want to meet people who think differently.  Last but not least, I want to discover new dishes.  I love to eat.  I will not call myself a foodie, but I enjoy trying different dishes or different recipes.  I want to find a new favorite cuisine. Traveling solo will allow me to relax and discover the real (or the new) me.

For three months now I have been researching travel deals and I found a few, but I was never able to finalize the purchase.  I made up many excuses: I can find better deals at a later date, these dates are not good for my work schedule, I do not talk to my family so who will be my emergency contact etc.…  Now, no more excuses.  I have the fire to do it now.  I need to travel and discover new horizons.  And I should do it fast before the new U.S. president signs new travel bans.

Unhappiness!!

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I am not sure what I want to talk about yet. My friend told me she had a blog and that it was helping her coping with her depression. I told her I was interested to start one of my own, and she asked me what I will talk about. My answer was “I have so much to say” and just like that I decided it was time for me to stop keeping my feelings, my fears, and my desires for myself.

Why am I unhappy? I have so much, yet I am not content nor satisfied with the way my life is. I graduated college a little more than a year ago. I found a job two months after graduation. I am living with my love one. I am healthy. My parents are still alive and healthy as well as my siblings. I do not have any debts.  I have friends. I am loved. Yet, I am not entirely pleased. Is it because life after college is not what I expected? Is it because, I want more than what I have? Is it because I did not fully take advantage of what life offered me?

I know people with less who are way happier than me. I know people with more trouble who still are satisfied with their life. Did I set the bar to high? Do I need to expect less from life? And If I do that, is not a start of low standards for my own life? Is it not the beginning of fate instead of choice? Meaning that I will let my life go with the flow instead of directing towards my long time goals?

I had once started reading a book called “Moments of happiness or happiness project” and although I did not finish reading the book, I remember the author asked: ‘what makes you happy”. And just that one simple question, I could not answer. I could not name something that could infallibly bring a smile to my face. And how did that happen? How did I get there? I could not come up with anything. And still now I cannot. I think maybe I should start there, and work my way towards happiness.

Well, I am tired of talking; I am going to bed now.

I am not sure if anyone will ever read this post, but I needed to write it.

Have a good night =)