Tag Archives: friends

I have Wolff- Parkinson- White Syndrome (WPW)

Standard
I have Wolff- Parkinson- White Syndrome (WPW)

Last summer, I learned that that I have a rare syndrome called WPW (Wolff-Parkinson-White).  In summary, I have an extra pathway in my heart that allows the electric current to circulate in my heart.  It causes rapid heartbeats.  The problem with this condition is that the extra path does not have a mechanism to stop palpitations, and very rarely that can be fatal.  After 4 people on my paternal side suddenly passed away from heart diseases, I did not want to take my chances and decided to opt for an ablation this summer.

~Dealing with love ones ~

Preparing for the procedure was nerve wrecking.  Between calls to l my health insurance to make sure the procedure would be covered, calls to my wellness coach to make sure I have support, and doctor’s appointments to keep an eye on me; I had to deal my mother and my “best friend”.  Once I picked the date for my surgery I told my boyfriend, my mother and my best friend.  

My mom drove me nuts.  At first, she connected me with her cousin who is also a cardiologist.  It was very helpful, he guided me and still checks up on me. One week before the surgery, my mom calls me to tell me that she is opposed to the surgery because she had not yet consulted her spiritual guide. She needs to first contact the universe and see what they have in store for me. I respect my mom’s beliefs; she is a highly spiritual and superstitious person.  However, one week prior to the surgery is not the time to have doubts.  She had known about the surgery date for 2 months! Then, she required once again more explanation and insisted on calling my procedure an EKG test. My mom was visiting me during the month of the procedure. I had told her I wanted her to be by my side.  However, a few days beforehand she left me to stay with my brother who lives about 2 hours away from me.  Nonetheless, she told me that if I really wanted her to come and stay with me during recovery she could make the sacrifice and come up to stay with me. To which I responded: “no need for you to sacrifice yourself, I will be fine”. She ended up coming because her cousin guilt her into staying with me.  However, the day after I came back from the hospital she left to stay with my brother.

My ‘best friend” knew about the surgery and had said that she would come to stay with me.  Honestly, I did not want her to come because she is very narcissistic.  It is always about her and for her; everything should and need to revolve around her. Not once had she ever asked me how I am doing since I told her about my heart conditions.  I did not want to deal with her while recovering.  She knew about the surgery.  However, she did not remember (or did not care…) and later on, she accused me of not keeping her updated about my health (that is her reason for not coming to stay with me).

~ The Procedure ~

My procedure was to be done in two steps.  First step, the electrophysiology (EP) study was the physician will attempt to recreate the symptoms and pinpoint the extra path.  The second step is to perform the ablation.  

The day before the procedure, the hospital called me three times to reschedule which created much anxiety for me. The day of, I went there bright and early; the staff was lovely and answered my list of questions.  I went in and came out about 5 hours later.  The doctor had only done the EP study.  The extra pathway in my heart is near the AV node and with modern technology there is a 90% chance that there will be complications and necessitate the use of a pacemaker.  I should attempt the surgery at a later age according to my electro-cardiologist.  I am grateful that the doctor did not continue with the procedure, because I had told him that I was opposed to a pacemaker unless it is utterly indispensable.  However, I am a bit sad that I had to undergo all that stress and yet nothing is fixed.

~Now~

The first few days after the procedure were painful and worrisome.  But now I feel better, I am back to my pre-surgery symptoms; which is normal for me.  The doctors will keep an eye on me. I also need to learn how to make my health a priority.

Advertisements

I survived my first semester of Grad School

Standard

I just survived my first semester in Grad School. (Whoop Whoop!!!)  It was not as easy as I thought it would be.  I had to balance a full-time job, part-time volunteering, and classes.  On top of that, I wanted to make new friends and be in a happy relationship with my boyfriend.

I am relatively new to the area where I live. I have been there for about 3 years. However, because people in this area know each other for so long, it is hard to break into new groups.  I signed up with the website Meetup.com, and I joined a few groups with similar interests.  I have met a few people that I kept in touch with.

My new acquaintances are not up for the game.  I am a party girl.  I miss clubbing, dancing, drinking , laughing.  I miss my college friends who could go all night dancing with me, and we would stay up talking until sunset.  I miss the sisterhood, the long walks with my roommate to clear my head, and the spontaneous laughs. The new girls are more mellow and laid back.  They are at a different stage of their lives, they cannot go party all night or jump on a plane last minute.  They are great people, but I need the thrill of fresh and crazy new ideas.

On the other hand, I am so busy in my current life, that I would not have time for crazy good plans. It is where my dilemma lies, I want the college life back, however I cannot live this life anymore.  I have too many responsibilities.  I need to work on transitioning out of college life into the life of a young adult.

I live close to my Alma mater.  It also does not help that I live 30 minutes away from the college that I attended for my undergrad studies.  I have one friend who lives on campus and invites me over often.  I feel like I have not really moved out to better things or accomplished anything.  I want the good college life back, yet I want to spread my wings and fly far away and see the world.

In two years, I want to have found a job abroad.  I should finish my studies in two years. In the meantime, I will look for ways to find a position in Mexico, Brazil, Turkey, UK, or Australia (hopefully in my field).

Life is made for living!!!

(mis)-connection

Standard
(mis)-connection

Today I feel very lonely.  I have not had a real talk with a good friend in months.  I chit-chat with coworkers and acquaintances, but it is not the same.  I do not have the same feeling of being understood and having made a connection with someone with these mundane talks.

It all started with me.  After breaking up with one of my best-friend, I decided to give my heart a break to give it time to heal. I choose to be social but to be emotionally unavailable.  I thought the way to get a strong heart was to keep it away from passions that might burn it.  Surely, as the months and years passed, people sensed that I was not willing to let them in my life.  Those who wanted to be friends stayed friends, yet I guarded my heart away from them.

Now, I have come to regret this decision.  People have drifted away, and I feel so lonely.  It is hard and awkward to re-kindle old friendships.  So much has happened since I took the break, and people no longer feel connected to me.  It is too much work for them to befriend me on a deeper level.

However, I am decided. I want friends, I want a support group, I want laughter, I want good memories.

I need to open up to life and trust people again.

Dressing Sexy!

Standard

Oh La La!!! Who does not like hearing compliments??

For me dressing sexy had always been a problem.  First of all, I was born in a country where a sexy woman is a voluptuous curvaceous woman like Beyonce.  My body type, on the other hand, is more like Zoe Zaldana’s type of sexy.  Second, I was often picked on because of my size and body shape. Classmates would always say how skinny I ,or how they were afraid I might break in two pieces, or how they were afraid I might get blown away in a hurricane (which is a season in the Caribbean). Occasionally, I would receive a compliment, quickly followed by a sneaky remark like “but you need to gain weight!”.  It was not an environment suitable to build a strong self-esteem. I grew up always wishing that I would gain weight to be attractive. The only person who had always complimented me was my mom, never she had a negative comment about my body.  Third, none of my close friends are sexy (according to the Caribbean type), and they all had vicous and negative comments about their body and mine as well.  I tried to understand them and to be supportive by not dressing sexy.  This way I thought, none of us would feel sexier than the other.  I kept that habit for so long that it became a second nature.

However, I have decided that I need to break free from that habit. I do like my body. I finally made peace with it. I do not need to comply to a specific aesthetic to feel good about my look.  I do not need to wait for the media to tell me that I look good enough.  I need to have self-confidence. I need to stop being my enemy, stop being mean and unfair to myself.  I need to embrace my own beauty.  I need to stop covering it or wearing unflattering clothes to help my friends.  They have problems with their body, that is their problem, they need to work on it. I will support them, but I will no longer hide my body.

Image

That is cropped pic of me trying to look sexy. Notice the sweater for just in case I need to cover up (old habits die hard)

Recently, a few friends, now that they have matured, have admitted that they were jealous of my body (hence the negative comments growing up).

Anger

Standard

At first my posts will not make sense, there won’t be any visible ties among them. Hopefully soon enough, it will be easier to follow my thoughts and understand me (if that is what you wish of course). I am not used to talk about me, even less about my feelings and opinions, so when I talk everything comes out scattered and unclear.  Like I am in real life; I am all over the place lol I jump from one thought to another, from one activity to another etc…

My last semester in college I noticed that I was angry. I do not even know how it started; it took a great deal of time to even identify that feeling.  But once, I knew, I knew. At first, I was happy to be angry. All my life, I have let people bully me, walked me over, turned me around, hurt me and so more that finally when I felt angry I knew I would not let that go that way. I knew I would finally start standing for myself. I was finally in the corner, and the only way out was to face my oppressor.  In order to do so, I needed to define myself, to know myself, then to set standards that I would live off.  Then, with my new strength and knowledge I would be able to demand others to treat my better, because I had started to treat myself better. I would have started to put myself first; I had finally started to listen to my needs.  I had started to treat myself like a human being.

Once I started setting standards for myself people started to get angry. They were not used to that. They were not used for me to say no, they were not used for me to put myself before their well-being. And like that I lost many friends, or can I really call them friends??! The most important “friend” I lost during that change was S (that is the topic for another post). It was hard seeing people leaving me because I had decided to live my life for myself and no longer for them. I was so used to wait for people to be satisfied then after to be happy from seeing their satisfaction. I was so used to not be angry, upset or made at people’s actions because I was afraid to lose them. I would always justify it by saying at least I have friends; at least they are happy with me. I denied my own well-being for so call friends.

Finally, I decided to start living my own life. It is a hard and slow process but I think I am going the right direction. I am trying to make myself happy. I know I did right by me, but was it really good to stand up for myself? Like is what I am loosing greater than what I am gaining from that drastic change of behavior. I am becoming lonelier just to make sure I am happy. I know I should be the most important person in my life, but what makes me more important more than other people ???

Although anger helped me define myself; I think it has its drawback.  Now, I am mistaking everything for an offense and get angry. Someone looks at me the wrong way, or talks to me a certain way and it is enough ground for me to get upset. Of course, I do not show it , so I do not show people a side of me that get angry. But I get agitated enough and the closest person to my heart is the one to endure my bad mood. I cannot let that continue to happen.

I need to let go of that anger. It is destroying me, it’s destroying my life, and it is hurting people I love. It helps define my character, but I need to find another mean to reach that goal.  Although I doubt that goal is worth it, I always doubt myself. I know deep down it is the right thing to do. It is a painful process but I need to put myself first.

Unhappiness!!

Standard

I am not sure what I want to talk about yet. My friend told me she had a blog and that it was helping her coping with her depression. I told her I was interested to start one of my own, and she asked me what I will talk about. My answer was “I have so much to say” and just like that I decided it was time for me to stop keeping my feelings, my fears, and my desires for myself.

Why am I unhappy? I have so much, yet I am not content nor satisfied with the way my life is. I graduated college a little more than a year ago. I found a job two months after graduation. I am living with my love one. I am healthy. My parents are still alive and healthy as well as my siblings. I do not have any debts.  I have friends. I am loved. Yet, I am not entirely pleased. Is it because life after college is not what I expected? Is it because, I want more than what I have? Is it because I did not fully take advantage of what life offered me?

I know people with less who are way happier than me. I know people with more trouble who still are satisfied with their life. Did I set the bar to high? Do I need to expect less from life? And If I do that, is not a start of low standards for my own life? Is it not the beginning of fate instead of choice? Meaning that I will let my life go with the flow instead of directing towards my long time goals?

I had once started reading a book called “Moments of happiness or happiness project” and although I did not finish reading the book, I remember the author asked: ‘what makes you happy”. And just that one simple question, I could not answer. I could not name something that could infallibly bring a smile to my face. And how did that happen? How did I get there? I could not come up with anything. And still now I cannot. I think maybe I should start there, and work my way towards happiness.

Well, I am tired of talking; I am going to bed now.

I am not sure if anyone will ever read this post, but I needed to write it.

Have a good night =)