New Year- No resolutions whatsoever

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The new year started 3 days ago, and I still have no concrete idea of what I want from 2017.  Of course, I want to be healthy, have a job, and have a place to live but besides that I have no clue what I want from this year or from my life (to be honest).

2016 has been challenging. Not only for me, but for women, Muslims, immigrants, transgenders, LGBTQ, and people with compassion in their hearts.  For me it has been a year of learning about myself and also about my loved ones.  I have always been a tolerant person, happy-go-merry, easy-going, non-confrontational, and accommodating person.  I am a perfect example of a middle child. I grew up feeling that my older and younger siblings get all the attention (and still feel that way).  They are the most looked after; my parents still provide for them. Also because I am financially stable and more resourceful than them, I always felt guilty of my luck and did my best to assist, support and provide for them.  I also wanted and expected the reciprocal; the love, the attention, the care. Nonetheless, because I always put them first, I forgot about myself, my expectations, my feelings, my standards.  I lost myself in the cause, and I did not see how self-destructive that behavior would turn out to be.  Helping my siblings became the only goal. I would anticipate their needs, and I would jump as soon they said they needed me.  I would drop friends, lovers, myself to run out to them.  This was the way I lived my life.  I allowed them to feel entitled to everything I own.  However, summer of 2016 after a nervous breakdown, I realized how I let everyone dictate my life.  I saw the extent of my “humanitarian” actions.

I always drew satisfaction from knowing that my siblings and friends needed me.  I treated my friends the same as my siblings.  It gave me purpose.  It also filled my days, I never made time for myself.  I was not big on self-care.  I was always the giver, and I received little in return. I always wanted to be surrounded by people because I believed that charisma was a sign of success.  Therefore, in order to have an entourage, I  would agree to and accommodate to everyone’s requests.  Having people around would validate me; it would say to the world that I am a great person.  Additionally, attending a Catholic school enforced the idea that I was a sinner, that I was bad, but that I could redeem myself if I was a good Samaritan. I forgot however, that life is about balance, if I give and do not get something in return, I will empty out….  Then, sometime during the summer of 2016, I realized that I was empty.  I had no idea who I was, what I wanted, what brought me joy, or even how I made it that far in life without an identity. I allowed people to define me; what they say in me was what I was. I just did not realized that I was denying myself a chance at happiness.

Lately, because I will no longer accept to be a doormat, my friends and family are rebelling against me.  They call me names, they insult me, they marginalize me, they manipulate and abuse me.  They are testing me.  Life is testing me.  Nonetheless, I recognize that I need to figure myself out and grow a backbone.  I need to stand up for myself and allow my true self to be revealed. I need to stop seeking validation from friends and family.  I want to be happy. I deserve to be happy.  I should do things because I want to, not because that is what is expected from me.  I think that the universe is removing these people from my life, and it is a painful experience.  I wasted years on ungrateful people. My life is mine, and I choose to be happy .

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I live in Baton Rouge, Louisiana. State capitol of the bayous of Louisiana. Home of the Louisiana State University Tigers. Land where streets of stately southern homes are lined by rows of oak trees as old as the country itself. City where Mardi Gras beads hang from power lines year round. Home to crawfish and […]

via It’s not getting worse. It’s been there all along. — Everything is fine here.

How to drink at a New Year’s Eve party

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For New Year, a work friend invited me to a New Year’s Eve Celebration at a hotel nearby.  It is a semi-formal event, it will start with a cocktail reception followed by a dinner, and later on an early continental breakfast.  The best part: there is an OPEN BAR!!!!!

I used to drink a lot during my college years, but I have reduced my consumption considerably.  This whole year, I have had alcohol twice.  Once because I was the last minute + 1 of a friend a wedding, the other because my best-friend was in town.  Now that my tolerance to alcohol has decreased, I need to find a way to drink enough to give me courage to dance, but not so much that I need to call a cab.  Therefore, I have come up with a plan(s).

Plan A

  • I can have three drinks: one during the cocktail, one during dinner, and the last one when the New Year starts.  It is a really save plan, but why should I pay such extravaganza price for the party, it I will drinking be very moderately.

 

Crossing out Plan A and writing Plan B on a blackboard.

Crossing out Plan A and writing Plan B!

  • According to my boyfriend, I should stick to one kind of drinks. For example, have wine only.  It is a easy, simple to follow plan.  However, it is not original, the main benefit of an open bar is that I get to sample many drinks.  Just having one is safe but not fun!

 

Plan C

  • Drink until I feel that I should stop. It is a fair plan.  I will sample various concoctions (being fun and festive), I will dance (entertaining the audience), and I will stop drinking so I do not become a burden to my friend (very considerate).  I like that plan.
  • However, I need to say away from drinks that involve more than two different types of alcohol (i.e. Long Island Ice Tea).  I will also need to avoid anything that contains Tequilla. Tequilla is not my friend!

 

I am not sure what plan I will pick, but the last one seems very attractive 🙂   If you drink, please drink responsibly and have a designated driver (who will be sober).  Enjoy the festivities !!!

 

Happy new year

Sharpie Mugs DIY !

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This Christmas, I wanted to give presents to a few of my coworkers.  However, I did not want to spend too much money.  After searching for hours on Pinterest, I found this blog post about sharpie Mugs:

http://dontmindifidoblog.blogspot.com/2014/02/diy-personalized-mugs.html?m=1

I followed the steps (which is an accomplishment for me, I CANNOT follow steps !), and I came up with that . I drew snowmen faces on one side, and the first letter of their name on the opposite side.  I put hot cocoa mix in assortment bags and Voila! I am very proud of myself.  Now, my next project is knitting my boyfriend a scarf for Christmas.

PS: Please do not mind the mess in the second pic =/

 

 

 

I survived my first semester of Grad School

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I just survived my first semester in Grad School. (Whoop Whoop!!!)  It was not as easy as I thought it would be.  I had to balance a full-time job, part-time volunteering, and classes.  On top of that, I wanted to make new friends and be in a happy relationship with my boyfriend.

I am relatively new to the area where I live. I have been there for about 3 years. However, because people in this area know each other for so long, it is hard to break into new groups.  I signed up with the website Meetup.com, and I joined a few groups with similar interests.  I have met a few people that I kept in touch with.

My new acquaintances are not up for the game.  I am a party girl.  I miss clubbing, dancing, drinking , laughing.  I miss my college friends who could go all night dancing with me, and we would stay up talking until sunset.  I miss the sisterhood, the long walks with my roommate to clear my head, and the spontaneous laughs. The new girls are more mellow and laid back.  They are at a different stage of their lives, they cannot go party all night or jump on a plane last minute.  They are great people, but I need the thrill of fresh and crazy new ideas.

On the other hand, I am so busy in my current life, that I would not have time for crazy good plans. It is where my dilemma lies, I want the college life back, however I cannot live this life anymore.  I have too many responsibilities.  I need to work on transitioning out of college life into the life of a young adult.

I live close to my Alma mater.  It also does not help that I live 30 minutes away from the college that I attended for my undergrad studies.  I have one friend who lives on campus and invites me over often.  I feel like I have not really moved out to better things or accomplished anything.  I want the good college life back, yet I want to spread my wings and fly far away and see the world.

In two years, I want to have found a job abroad.  I should finish my studies in two years. In the meantime, I will look for ways to find a position in Mexico, Brazil, Turkey, UK, or Australia (hopefully in my field).

Life is made for living!!!

(mis)-connection

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(mis)-connection

Today I feel very lonely.  I have not had a real talk with a good friend in months.  I chit-chat with coworkers and acquaintances, but it is not the same.  I do not have the same feeling of being understood and having made a connection with someone with these mundane talks.

It all started with me.  After breaking up with one of my best-friend, I decided to give my heart a break to give it time to heal. I choose to be social but to be emotionally unavailable.  I thought the way to get a strong heart was to keep it away from passions that might burn it.  Surely, as the months and years passed, people sensed that I was not willing to let them in my life.  Those who wanted to be friends stayed friends, yet I guarded my heart away from them.

Now, I have come to regret this decision.  People have drifted away, and I feel so lonely.  It is hard and awkward to re-kindle old friendships.  So much has happened since I took the break, and people no longer feel connected to me.  It is too much work for them to befriend me on a deeper level.

However, I am decided. I want friends, I want a support group, I want laughter, I want good memories.

I need to open up to life and trust people again.

The Immigrant: “Don’t Speak English, I” (poem)

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“Don’t Speak English, I”

by Luis Samuel González

~~~

Father told me, “Tell them…”

“I don’t speak English,”

because I understood the world in Spanish.

On a school day morning and acutely shy –ahem, ahem…

while reinventing grammar I told them:

“Don’t speak English, I.”

It was only close to right. I could have just died!

But like an immigrant who would not be defeated,

my courageous little mouth, lips and tongue repeated:

“Jes! Don’t speak English, I.”