Since Thanksgiving my relationship with my family has been a bit strenuous. The main culprit was my sister, but because no family member publicly sided with me or even told her that it was not a way to deal with family members, I took it as they also shared her feelings towards my Significant Other (S.O.). This feeling has caused me to distance myself from everyone. If you have a relationship with my family, then I stay away from you. The disadvantage is that most of my friends are somewhat connected to my family. It is easier to hang out with acquaintances now, but sometimes they ask about my niece or my sister and I close up. I do not know how to explain to people that I am ashamed of them at the moment. I love them, but I want them far away from me. I am also afraid that people will assume that I am a bad person because my family treats me badly. Why would you treat someone dear to you badly unless they are bad people? I miss my family, but for the moment we do not talk. I am afraid that the disconnect that we are experiencing now will affect our friendship. I wish I had a guide to navigate that situation.
This is my 4th semester in grad school. Next semester, Fall 2017, should be my last, and I will be a proud recipient of a MBA concentration finance. I take online classes, two classes per semester and I work full-time (Ouf!). That leaves me with little-to-no social life, an eating disorder, stress level off the charts, and a ‘happy’ problem (by happy I mean 3 or 4 ciders a week).
I sit at work for long hours. I decide to go to the gym. I pay for a gym membership that I never use. I went to the gym once this year. I do not like moving. I eat a 3 courses meal for lunch. I complain a lot. I drink 3 to 4 ciders per week (the calories add up). I decide to eat healthy. I buy fruits and vegetables. I eat them. I do not buy more. I look up healthy recipes. I never cook using them. I stopped eating ice cream at home. I stress eat churros. I stress eat tempura ice cream. I eat late at night while doing homework. I stay up late doing homework. I sleep less than 6 hours per night. I have no social life. I text everyone instead of calling. I make plans to hang out. I meet up with friends. Most times I cancel plans with friends. I feel bad about my social life. I go on Facebook and Instagram and feel worse about myself. I stress out that everyone in my class is more intelligent than me. I work twice harder to catch up to them. I stay up even later to study. I get tips to lower stress for friends and classmates. I use tips and it lowers my stress during the day. During the evening, my stress level skyrockets because I think that I missed important deadlines. I stress cry. I complain. I start seeing a therapist. I think about quitting therapy. I no longer enjoy my work.
That is how I cope with grad school and work full time. Any tips?
For New Year, a work friend invited me to a New Year’s Eve Celebration at a hotel nearby. It is a semi-formal event, it will start with a cocktail reception followed by a dinner, and later on an early continental breakfast. The best part: there is an OPEN BAR!!!!!
I used to drink a lot during my college years, but I have reduced my consumption considerably. This whole year, I have had alcohol twice. Once because I was the last minute + 1 of a friend a wedding, the other because my best-friend was in town. Now that my tolerance to alcohol has decreased, I need to find a way to drink enough to give me courage to dance, but not so much that I need to call a cab. Therefore, I have come up with a plan(s).
- I can have three drinks: one during the cocktail, one during dinner, and the last one when the New Year starts. It is a really save plan, but why should I pay such extravaganza price for the party, it I will drinking be very moderately.
- According to my boyfriend, I should stick to one kind of drinks. For example, have wine only. It is a easy, simple to follow plan. However, it is not original, the main benefit of an open bar is that I get to sample many drinks. Just having one is safe but not fun!
- Drink until I feel that I should stop. It is a fair plan. I will sample various concoctions (being fun and festive), I will dance (entertaining the audience), and I will stop drinking so I do not become a burden to my friend (very considerate). I like that plan.
- However, I need to say away from drinks that involve more than two different types of alcohol (i.e. Long Island Ice Tea). I will also need to avoid anything that contains Tequilla. Tequilla is not my friend!
I am not sure what plan I will pick, but the last one seems very attractive 🙂 If you drink, please drink responsibly and have a designated driver (who will be sober). Enjoy the festivities !!!
I just survived my first semester in Grad School. (Whoop Whoop!!!) It was not as easy as I thought it would be. I had to balance a full-time job, part-time volunteering, and classes. On top of that, I wanted to make new friends and be in a happy relationship with my boyfriend.
I am relatively new to the area where I live. I have been there for about 3 years. However, because people in this area know each other for so long, it is hard to break into new groups. I signed up with the website Meetup.com, and I joined a few groups with similar interests. I have met a few people that I kept in touch with.
My new acquaintances are not up for the game. I am a party girl. I miss clubbing, dancing, drinking , laughing. I miss my college friends who could go all night dancing with me, and we would stay up talking until sunset. I miss the sisterhood, the long walks with my roommate to clear my head, and the spontaneous laughs. The new girls are more mellow and laid back. They are at a different stage of their lives, they cannot go party all night or jump on a plane last minute. They are great people, but I need the thrill of fresh and crazy new ideas.
On the other hand, I am so busy in my current life, that I would not have time for crazy good plans. It is where my dilemma lies, I want the college life back, however I cannot live this life anymore. I have too many responsibilities. I need to work on transitioning out of college life into the life of a young adult.
I live close to my Alma mater. It also does not help that I live 30 minutes away from the college that I attended for my undergrad studies. I have one friend who lives on campus and invites me over often. I feel like I have not really moved out to better things or accomplished anything. I want the good college life back, yet I want to spread my wings and fly far away and see the world.
In two years, I want to have found a job abroad. I should finish my studies in two years. In the meantime, I will look for ways to find a position in Mexico, Brazil, Turkey, UK, or Australia (hopefully in my field).
Life is made for living!!!
Today I feel very lonely. I have not had a real talk with a good friend in months. I chit-chat with coworkers and acquaintances, but it is not the same. I do not have the same feeling of being understood and having made a connection with someone with these mundane talks.
It all started with me. After breaking up with one of my best-friend, I decided to give my heart a break to give it time to heal. I choose to be social but to be emotionally unavailable. I thought the way to get a strong heart was to keep it away from passions that might burn it. Surely, as the months and years passed, people sensed that I was not willing to let them in my life. Those who wanted to be friends stayed friends, yet I guarded my heart away from them.
Now, I have come to regret this decision. People have drifted away, and I feel so lonely. It is hard and awkward to re-kindle old friendships. So much has happened since I took the break, and people no longer feel connected to me. It is too much work for them to befriend me on a deeper level.
However, I am decided. I want friends, I want a support group, I want laughter, I want good memories.
I need to open up to life and trust people again.
At first my posts will not make sense, there won’t be any visible ties among them. Hopefully soon enough, it will be easier to follow my thoughts and understand me (if that is what you wish of course). I am not used to talk about me, even less about my feelings and opinions, so when I talk everything comes out scattered and unclear. Like I am in real life; I am all over the place lol I jump from one thought to another, from one activity to another etc…
My last semester in college I noticed that I was angry. I do not even know how it started; it took a great deal of time to even identify that feeling. But once, I knew, I knew. At first, I was happy to be angry. All my life, I have let people bully me, walked me over, turned me around, hurt me and so more that finally when I felt angry I knew I would not let that go that way. I knew I would finally start standing for myself. I was finally in the corner, and the only way out was to face my oppressor. In order to do so, I needed to define myself, to know myself, then to set standards that I would live off. Then, with my new strength and knowledge I would be able to demand others to treat my better, because I had started to treat myself better. I would have started to put myself first; I had finally started to listen to my needs. I had started to treat myself like a human being.
Once I started setting standards for myself people started to get angry. They were not used to that. They were not used for me to say no, they were not used for me to put myself before their well-being. And like that I lost many friends, or can I really call them friends??! The most important “friend” I lost during that change was S (that is the topic for another post). It was hard seeing people leaving me because I had decided to live my life for myself and no longer for them. I was so used to wait for people to be satisfied then after to be happy from seeing their satisfaction. I was so used to not be angry, upset or made at people’s actions because I was afraid to lose them. I would always justify it by saying at least I have friends; at least they are happy with me. I denied my own well-being for so call friends.
Finally, I decided to start living my own life. It is a hard and slow process but I think I am going the right direction. I am trying to make myself happy. I know I did right by me, but was it really good to stand up for myself? Like is what I am loosing greater than what I am gaining from that drastic change of behavior. I am becoming lonelier just to make sure I am happy. I know I should be the most important person in my life, but what makes me more important more than other people ???
Although anger helped me define myself; I think it has its drawback. Now, I am mistaking everything for an offense and get angry. Someone looks at me the wrong way, or talks to me a certain way and it is enough ground for me to get upset. Of course, I do not show it , so I do not show people a side of me that get angry. But I get agitated enough and the closest person to my heart is the one to endure my bad mood. I cannot let that continue to happen.
I need to let go of that anger. It is destroying me, it’s destroying my life, and it is hurting people I love. It helps define my character, but I need to find another mean to reach that goal. Although I doubt that goal is worth it, I always doubt myself. I know deep down it is the right thing to do. It is a painful process but I need to put myself first.