Category Archives: life

New Year- No resolutions whatsoever

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The new year started 3 days ago, and I still have no concrete idea of what I want from 2017.  Of course, I want to be healthy, have a job, and have a place to live but besides that I have no clue what I want from this year or from my life (to be honest).

2016 has been challenging. Not only for me, but for women, Muslims, immigrants, transgenders, LGBTQ, and people with compassion in their hearts.  For me it has been a year of learning about myself and also about my loved ones.  I have always been a tolerant person, happy-go-merry, easy-going, non-confrontational, and accommodating person.  I am a perfect example of a middle child. I grew up feeling that my older and younger siblings get all the attention (and still feel that way).  They are the most looked after; my parents still provide for them. Also because I am financially stable and more resourceful than them, I always felt guilty of my luck and did my best to assist, support and provide for them.  I also wanted and expected the reciprocal; the love, the attention, the care. Nonetheless, because I always put them first, I forgot about myself, my expectations, my feelings, my standards.  I lost myself in the cause, and I did not see how self-destructive that behavior would turn out to be.  Helping my siblings became the only goal. I would anticipate their needs, and I would jump as soon they said they needed me.  I would drop friends, lovers, myself to run out to them.  This was the way I lived my life.  I allowed them to feel entitled to everything I own.  However, summer of 2016 after a nervous breakdown, I realized how I let everyone dictate my life.  I saw the extent of my “humanitarian” actions.

I always drew satisfaction from knowing that my siblings and friends needed me.  I treated my friends the same as my siblings.  It gave me purpose.  It also filled my days, I never made time for myself.  I was not big on self-care.  I was always the giver, and I received little in return. I always wanted to be surrounded by people because I believed that charisma was a sign of success.  Therefore, in order to have an entourage, I  would agree to and accommodate to everyone’s requests.  Having people around would validate me; it would say to the world that I am a great person.  Additionally, attending a Catholic school enforced the idea that I was a sinner, that I was bad, but that I could redeem myself if I was a good Samaritan. I forgot however, that life is about balance, if I give and do not get something in return, I will empty out….  Then, sometime during the summer of 2016, I realized that I was empty.  I had no idea who I was, what I wanted, what brought me joy, or even how I made it that far in life without an identity. I allowed people to define me; what they say in me was what I was. I just did not realized that I was denying myself a chance at happiness.

Lately, because I will no longer accept to be a doormat, my friends and family are rebelling against me.  They call me names, they insult me, they marginalize me, they manipulate and abuse me.  They are testing me.  Life is testing me.  Nonetheless, I recognize that I need to figure myself out and grow a backbone.  I need to stand up for myself and allow my true self to be revealed. I need to stop seeking validation from friends and family.  I want to be happy. I deserve to be happy.  I should do things because I want to, not because that is what is expected from me.  I think that the universe is removing these people from my life, and it is a painful experience.  I wasted years on ungrateful people. My life is mine, and I choose to be happy .

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Sharpie Mugs DIY !

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This Christmas, I wanted to give presents to a few of my coworkers.  However, I did not want to spend too much money.  After searching for hours on Pinterest, I found this blog post about sharpie Mugs:

http://dontmindifidoblog.blogspot.com/2014/02/diy-personalized-mugs.html?m=1

I followed the steps (which is an accomplishment for me, I CANNOT follow steps !), and I came up with that . I drew snowmen faces on one side, and the first letter of their name on the opposite side.  I put hot cocoa mix in assortment bags and Voila! I am very proud of myself.  Now, my next project is knitting my boyfriend a scarf for Christmas.

PS: Please do not mind the mess in the second pic =/

 

 

 

The Hudson Valley- Dutchess County from my point of view

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I live in NY, not NYC but NY. People call my area upstate NY, but it is in the middle of the state.  The area where I live is rural, and people are a bit stand off-ish.  It is hard to make new friends since most people grew up together and know each other from the womb.  It is an area big into farming (which I support to the best of my abilities).  The landscape is nice specially during spring and fall.  The customer service is nicer than NYC.  One can find a hardwood floor apart for very cheap.  A few restaurants hire Culinary Institute of America (CIA) students in their kitchen, so the food is good.

That being said, I strongly dislike the area.  The people are closed-minded.  Most of the time, they do not want to get outside their comfort zone and experience life differently.  They do not try new cuisines often.  The shows are catered to one particular niche that I do not belong to.  The attractions are rural, which are not in my taste.

I wish I could live in a bigger city, with more choices for venues, attractions, food, shows, concerts etc…. However, no matter how hard I try to find a job in a big city, I fail.

Dressing Sexy!

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Oh La La!!! Who does not like hearing compliments??

For me dressing sexy had always been a problem.  First of all, I was born in a country where a sexy woman is a voluptuous curvaceous woman like Beyonce.  My body type, on the other hand, is more like Zoe Zaldana’s type of sexy.  Second, I was often picked on because of my size and body shape. Classmates would always say how skinny I ,or how they were afraid I might break in two pieces, or how they were afraid I might get blown away in a hurricane (which is a season in the Caribbean). Occasionally, I would receive a compliment, quickly followed by a sneaky remark like “but you need to gain weight!”.  It was not an environment suitable to build a strong self-esteem. I grew up always wishing that I would gain weight to be attractive. The only person who had always complimented me was my mom, never she had a negative comment about my body.  Third, none of my close friends are sexy (according to the Caribbean type), and they all had vicous and negative comments about their body and mine as well.  I tried to understand them and to be supportive by not dressing sexy.  This way I thought, none of us would feel sexier than the other.  I kept that habit for so long that it became a second nature.

However, I have decided that I need to break free from that habit. I do like my body. I finally made peace with it. I do not need to comply to a specific aesthetic to feel good about my look.  I do not need to wait for the media to tell me that I look good enough.  I need to have self-confidence. I need to stop being my enemy, stop being mean and unfair to myself.  I need to embrace my own beauty.  I need to stop covering it or wearing unflattering clothes to help my friends.  They have problems with their body, that is their problem, they need to work on it. I will support them, but I will no longer hide my body.

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That is cropped pic of me trying to look sexy. Notice the sweater for just in case I need to cover up (old habits die hard)

Recently, a few friends, now that they have matured, have admitted that they were jealous of my body (hence the negative comments growing up).

One day at a time

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This past week was not a good one. On Thursday, I woke up thinking of my abusers. I tried to chase these thoughts away, but it was hard.  After they left my mind, they were replaced by feelings of insecurity.

My thoughts are my demons. I always say people make their own prisons and I think it applies to me. My thoughts, my thoughts process all this is keeping me caged and is preventing me from growing to my fullest (to become the greatest person I can become). If only I had the keys to my mental prison

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Going to the gym everyday for a month

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At the beginning of this month I realized that I never follow through with my goals.  For example, last winter I had started knitting baby blankets for my niece and godson. I was doing a simple patter, and planned to do it while watching my TV shows everyday.  Yet I did not keep up, I am now half-way through and the blanket (I only got to one) is laying in a corner of my bedroom.

Last February, I decided to start painting again.  I went to the craft store, I bought more supplies. I set up a space to paint, got started and stopped.

Same thing with the decoration of my apart.  My landlord will not let us paint the walls or nails in the walls. So I had decided to restore and paint the furniture.  My friend who is big on decorating her apart in Baltimore, introduced me to this website (www.apartmenttherapy.com) to have ideas.  I went to the hardware store, bought paint and supplies.  I was thinking of first doing my kitchen. I would paint the table blue and the chairs lemon yellow.  So far I put one coat on the table and stopped.

I see a pattern there. I get excited about a project, get started then lose the motivation.  I find excuses then to explain why I did not follow through; it is lack of time, distraction, sore body, not in the mood etc… All valid excuses, but if I want to accomplish anything in life I need to put in the work.

So I am going to suck it up and get my beach body. I have received a gift certificate to a local gym that offers classes like lifting and zumba.  My goal is to go everyday for a month. I will mix classes with training or free circuit. I need to do it. I will keep you updated!!!

Unhappiness!!

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I am not sure what I want to talk about yet. My friend told me she had a blog and that it was helping her coping with her depression. I told her I was interested to start one of my own, and she asked me what I will talk about. My answer was “I have so much to say” and just like that I decided it was time for me to stop keeping my feelings, my fears, and my desires for myself.

Why am I unhappy? I have so much, yet I am not content nor satisfied with the way my life is. I graduated college a little more than a year ago. I found a job two months after graduation. I am living with my love one. I am healthy. My parents are still alive and healthy as well as my siblings. I do not have any debts.  I have friends. I am loved. Yet, I am not entirely pleased. Is it because life after college is not what I expected? Is it because, I want more than what I have? Is it because I did not fully take advantage of what life offered me?

I know people with less who are way happier than me. I know people with more trouble who still are satisfied with their life. Did I set the bar to high? Do I need to expect less from life? And If I do that, is not a start of low standards for my own life? Is it not the beginning of fate instead of choice? Meaning that I will let my life go with the flow instead of directing towards my long time goals?

I had once started reading a book called “Moments of happiness or happiness project” and although I did not finish reading the book, I remember the author asked: ‘what makes you happy”. And just that one simple question, I could not answer. I could not name something that could infallibly bring a smile to my face. And how did that happen? How did I get there? I could not come up with anything. And still now I cannot. I think maybe I should start there, and work my way towards happiness.

Well, I am tired of talking; I am going to bed now.

I am not sure if anyone will ever read this post, but I needed to write it.

Have a good night =)