Category Archives: grief

When family inflicts pain

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This past Thanksgiving, my sister dis-invited my significant other (S.O.) to the dinner that was being held at her place.  She sent a text message, stating that her baby-daddy did not want him to join them for dinner because of what he did two years ago.

Two years ago, my S.O. was working retail, and we had to leave dinner early because he was working that same night.  On that day, he was tired, we had a fight on the way to the dinner, and he was a bit upset and uncomfortable.  My family did not know of that nor did they try to understand what was going on.

I always dreaded going to my sister’s place.  I do not feel comfortable there, and neither her and her significant other tried to make me or my significant other at ease.  We always feel like strangers at that place.  Additionally, she had never accepted him into the family.  She never tried talking to him and would always voice her discomfort with him. Even my niece acts up when he is around.  However, when my sister needs his help, she can be the most lovely person, whether it is for work referral, car trouble, fetch her food, or to show how diverse she can be.

This Thanksgiving, I stood up for my relationship and said that I would not accept how my family treats my S.O.  It was not the first time they had kept him out of family reunions.  Before I played along but this time I realized that things would not get better if I do not do or say something.  I decided not to go to the dinner, and I also reminded them that it was a family day, yet they decided to keep him and I (supposedly family) out of the celebration.  This time I had enough. I said what was on my mind and I was resentful, not because of the dis-invite, but because my own sister had decided to keep the love of my life out of her life. Her agreeing with her man made me feel alienated.  My brother, who I had hopped would side with me, still went to dinner like nothing happened.

Throughout the years, I realized that I loved my siblings but strongly disliked them.  The people that they are becoming are very ugly in the inside.  Moreover, they have been absent when I needed them and indifferent to me.  My sister has always felt entitled to everything and is a very selfish person.  My brother, on the other hand, is manipulative and selfish because he has always been spoiled. According to my parents, he could do nothing wrong.  It is hard for me to cut them off of my life.  However, I believe that I need to remove myself emotionally from them. And I need to do so tactfully.  My family is very fickle and sensitive.

I think the main problem my siblings have with my relationship is because my S.O. is White and I am black.  My sister dislikes him because of his skin color.  My brother is more accepting, but I question his motives.  My siblings always voiced the difficulties and aches that come from racial stereotyping.  It is so hypocrite of them to do the same to another race.  They do not know how to navigate an interracial couple, and they are not even making an effort.

It is stressful and draining to be in a relationship. It is even more when the people are from different backgrounds, culture, and race.  I have no support group, no compassionate ear, no comforting shoulder to lean on.  Furthermore, my family is making my life miserable.  Since the Thanksgiving problem, it has been only insults.  Last night my mom told me that I am following the devil.  My family do not see the irreparable damages they are causing, and frankly I do not believe that they care.

I decided to see a therapist.  It is very costly, but I need professional help.  My life is crumbling, and I have not idea how to survive.

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Anger

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At first my posts will not make sense, there won’t be any visible ties among them. Hopefully soon enough, it will be easier to follow my thoughts and understand me (if that is what you wish of course). I am not used to talk about me, even less about my feelings and opinions, so when I talk everything comes out scattered and unclear.  Like I am in real life; I am all over the place lol I jump from one thought to another, from one activity to another etc…

My last semester in college I noticed that I was angry. I do not even know how it started; it took a great deal of time to even identify that feeling.  But once, I knew, I knew. At first, I was happy to be angry. All my life, I have let people bully me, walked me over, turned me around, hurt me and so more that finally when I felt angry I knew I would not let that go that way. I knew I would finally start standing for myself. I was finally in the corner, and the only way out was to face my oppressor.  In order to do so, I needed to define myself, to know myself, then to set standards that I would live off.  Then, with my new strength and knowledge I would be able to demand others to treat my better, because I had started to treat myself better. I would have started to put myself first; I had finally started to listen to my needs.  I had started to treat myself like a human being.

Once I started setting standards for myself people started to get angry. They were not used to that. They were not used for me to say no, they were not used for me to put myself before their well-being. And like that I lost many friends, or can I really call them friends??! The most important “friend” I lost during that change was S (that is the topic for another post). It was hard seeing people leaving me because I had decided to live my life for myself and no longer for them. I was so used to wait for people to be satisfied then after to be happy from seeing their satisfaction. I was so used to not be angry, upset or made at people’s actions because I was afraid to lose them. I would always justify it by saying at least I have friends; at least they are happy with me. I denied my own well-being for so call friends.

Finally, I decided to start living my own life. It is a hard and slow process but I think I am going the right direction. I am trying to make myself happy. I know I did right by me, but was it really good to stand up for myself? Like is what I am loosing greater than what I am gaining from that drastic change of behavior. I am becoming lonelier just to make sure I am happy. I know I should be the most important person in my life, but what makes me more important more than other people ???

Although anger helped me define myself; I think it has its drawback.  Now, I am mistaking everything for an offense and get angry. Someone looks at me the wrong way, or talks to me a certain way and it is enough ground for me to get upset. Of course, I do not show it , so I do not show people a side of me that get angry. But I get agitated enough and the closest person to my heart is the one to endure my bad mood. I cannot let that continue to happen.

I need to let go of that anger. It is destroying me, it’s destroying my life, and it is hurting people I love. It helps define my character, but I need to find another mean to reach that goal.  Although I doubt that goal is worth it, I always doubt myself. I know deep down it is the right thing to do. It is a painful process but I need to put myself first.