The new year started 3 days ago, and I still have no concrete idea of what I want from 2017. Of course, I want to be healthy, have a job, and have a place to live but besides that I have no clue what I want from this year or from my life (to be honest).
2016 has been challenging. Not only for me, but for women, Muslims, immigrants, transgenders, LGBTQ, and people with compassion in their hearts. For me it has been a year of learning about myself and also about my loved ones. I have always been a tolerant person, happy-go-merry, easy-going, non-confrontational, and accommodating person. I am a perfect example of a middle child. I grew up feeling that my older and younger siblings get all the attention (and still feel that way). They are the most looked after; my parents still provide for them. Also because I am financially stable and more resourceful than them, I always felt guilty of my luck and did my best to assist, support and provide for them. I also wanted and expected the reciprocal; the love, the attention, the care. Nonetheless, because I always put them first, I forgot about myself, my expectations, my feelings, my standards. I lost myself in the cause, and I did not see how self-destructive that behavior would turn out to be. Helping my siblings became the only goal. I would anticipate their needs, and I would jump as soon they said they needed me. I would drop friends, lovers, myself to run out to them. This was the way I lived my life. I allowed them to feel entitled to everything I own. However, summer of 2016 after a nervous breakdown, I realized how I let everyone dictate my life. I saw the extent of my “humanitarian” actions.
I always drew satisfaction from knowing that my siblings and friends needed me. I treated my friends the same as my siblings. It gave me purpose. It also filled my days, I never made time for myself. I was not big on self-care. I was always the giver, and I received little in return. I always wanted to be surrounded by people because I believed that charisma was a sign of success. Therefore, in order to have an entourage, I would agree to and accommodate to everyone’s requests. Having people around would validate me; it would say to the world that I am a great person. Additionally, attending a Catholic school enforced the idea that I was a sinner, that I was bad, but that I could redeem myself if I was a good Samaritan. I forgot however, that life is about balance, if I give and do not get something in return, I will empty out…. Then, sometime during the summer of 2016, I realized that I was empty. I had no idea who I was, what I wanted, what brought me joy, or even how I made it that far in life without an identity. I allowed people to define me; what they say in me was what I was. I just did not realized that I was denying myself a chance at happiness.
Lately, because I will no longer accept to be a doormat, my friends and family are rebelling against me. They call me names, they insult me, they marginalize me, they manipulate and abuse me. They are testing me. Life is testing me. Nonetheless, I recognize that I need to figure myself out and grow a backbone. I need to stand up for myself and allow my true self to be revealed. I need to stop seeking validation from friends and family. I want to be happy. I deserve to be happy. I should do things because I want to, not because that is what is expected from me. I think that the universe is removing these people from my life, and it is a painful experience. I wasted years on ungrateful people. My life is mine, and I choose to be happy .