Today I feel very lonely. I have not had a real talk with a good friend in months. I chit-chat with coworkers and acquaintances, but it is not the same. I do not have the same feeling of being understood and having made a connection with someone with these mundane talks.
It all started with me. After breaking up with one of my best-friend, I decided to give my heart a break to give it time to heal. I choose to be social but to be emotionally unavailable. I thought the way to get a strong heart was to keep it away from passions that might burn it. Surely, as the months and years passed, people sensed that I was not willing to let them in my life. Those who wanted to be friends stayed friends, yet I guarded my heart away from them.
Now, I have come to regret this decision. People have drifted away, and I feel so lonely. It is hard and awkward to re-kindle old friendships. So much has happened since I took the break, and people no longer feel connected to me. It is too much work for them to befriend me on a deeper level.
However, I am decided. I want friends, I want a support group, I want laughter, I want good memories.
I need to open up to life and trust people again.
“Don’t Speak English, I”
by Luis Samuel González
Father told me, “Tell them…”
“I don’t speak English,”
because I understood the world in Spanish.
On a school day morning and acutely shy –ahem, ahem…
while reinventing grammar I told them:
“Don’t speak English, I.”
It was only close to right. I could have just died!
But like an immigrant who would not be defeated,
my courageous little mouth, lips and tongue repeated:
“Jes! Don’t speak English, I.”
I live in NY, not NYC but NY. People call my area upstate NY, but it is in the middle of the state. The area where I live is rural, and people are a bit stand off-ish. It is hard to make new friends since most people grew up together and know each other from the womb. It is an area big into farming (which I support to the best of my abilities). The landscape is nice specially during spring and fall. The customer service is nicer than NYC. One can find a hardwood floor apart for very cheap. A few restaurants hire Culinary Institute of America (CIA) students in their kitchen, so the food is good.
That being said, I strongly dislike the area. The people are closed-minded. Most of the time, they do not want to get outside their comfort zone and experience life differently. They do not try new cuisines often. The shows are catered to one particular niche that I do not belong to. The attractions are rural, which are not in my taste.
I wish I could live in a bigger city, with more choices for venues, attractions, food, shows, concerts etc…. However, no matter how hard I try to find a job in a big city, I fail.
It has been more than a year since I blogged. I was getting my strength from my readers and their comments, and when their numbers started decreasing my reason to write went out the door. I will try one last time, and I will stop if I cannot get any pleasure from writing.
Maybe blogging is not for me, or maybe I need to find a better motivation. Nonetheless, I am trying once again.
I have found a way around my depression. At first, I just wanted for people to reach out to me and get me out of that hole that depression made me carve. Lately, I realized that I cannot wait on people, I need to love myself and want to save myself from depressing thoughts. I need to get up and make my life happen. No one else can do it but me. That was the first step to become happier. I am re-learning how to smile.