At first my posts will not make sense, there won’t be any visible ties among them. Hopefully soon enough, it will be easier to follow my thoughts and understand me (if that is what you wish of course). I am not used to talk about me, even less about my feelings and opinions, so when I talk everything comes out scattered and unclear. Like I am in real life; I am all over the place lol I jump from one thought to another, from one activity to another etc…
My last semester in college I noticed that I was angry. I do not even know how it started; it took a great deal of time to even identify that feeling. But once, I knew, I knew. At first, I was happy to be angry. All my life, I have let people bully me, walked me over, turned me around, hurt me and so more that finally when I felt angry I knew I would not let that go that way. I knew I would finally start standing for myself. I was finally in the corner, and the only way out was to face my oppressor. In order to do so, I needed to define myself, to know myself, then to set standards that I would live off. Then, with my new strength and knowledge I would be able to demand others to treat my better, because I had started to treat myself better. I would have started to put myself first; I had finally started to listen to my needs. I had started to treat myself like a human being.
Once I started setting standards for myself people started to get angry. They were not used to that. They were not used for me to say no, they were not used for me to put myself before their well-being. And like that I lost many friends, or can I really call them friends??! The most important “friend” I lost during that change was S (that is the topic for another post). It was hard seeing people leaving me because I had decided to live my life for myself and no longer for them. I was so used to wait for people to be satisfied then after to be happy from seeing their satisfaction. I was so used to not be angry, upset or made at people’s actions because I was afraid to lose them. I would always justify it by saying at least I have friends; at least they are happy with me. I denied my own well-being for so call friends.
Finally, I decided to start living my own life. It is a hard and slow process but I think I am going the right direction. I am trying to make myself happy. I know I did right by me, but was it really good to stand up for myself? Like is what I am loosing greater than what I am gaining from that drastic change of behavior. I am becoming lonelier just to make sure I am happy. I know I should be the most important person in my life, but what makes me more important more than other people ???
Although anger helped me define myself; I think it has its drawback. Now, I am mistaking everything for an offense and get angry. Someone looks at me the wrong way, or talks to me a certain way and it is enough ground for me to get upset. Of course, I do not show it , so I do not show people a side of me that get angry. But I get agitated enough and the closest person to my heart is the one to endure my bad mood. I cannot let that continue to happen.
I need to let go of that anger. It is destroying me, it’s destroying my life, and it is hurting people I love. It helps define my character, but I need to find another mean to reach that goal. Although I doubt that goal is worth it, I always doubt myself. I know deep down it is the right thing to do. It is a painful process but I need to put myself first.